The Beautiful Ashes (Broken Destiny, #1) by Jeaniene Frost
Format: ebook
Source: borrowed from library
Formats available: paperback, library binding, ebook, audiobook
Genres: paranormal romance
Series: Broken Destiny #1
Pages: 384
Published by Harlequin on August 26th 2014
Purchasing Info: Author's Website, Publisher's Website, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Bookshop.org
Goodreads

In a world of shadows, anything is possible. Except escaping your fate.
Ever since she was a child, Ivy has been gripped by visions of strange realms just beyond her own. But when her sister goes missing, Ivy discovers the truth is far worse—her hallucinations are real, and her sister is trapped in a parallel realm. And the one person who believes her is the dangerously attractive guy who's bound by an ancient legacy to betray her.
Adrian might have turned his back on those who raised him, but that doesn't mean he can change his fate…no matter how strong a pull he feels toward Ivy. Together they search for the powerful relic that can save her sister, but Adrian knows what Ivy doesn't: that every step brings Ivy closer to the truth about her own destiny, and a war that could doom the world. Sooner or later, it will be Ivy on one side and Adrian on the other. And nothing but ashes in between…

When I first began doing book reviews, I quickly learned the importance of screening titles before agreeing to read them:

• Did this book have an editor? (I don’t care if you self-publish, but you better run a goddamn spelling and grammar check.)
• If part of a series, have I read all previous entries? (Ever tried to jump into an epic fantasy series on book 4? Not recommended.)
• Is this book a bullshit “rewrite” of a previously published book with minor tweaks in an attempt to make it trendy? (Looking at you Michelle Maddox.)
• Are there substantive differences between this book and the edition published in Australia or the UK? (I order the Obernewtyn books from AUS because the publishers were worried we stupid Americans couldn’t handle long books.)

Thanks to The Beautiful Ashes I now have a new question to add to my checklist:

• Did you read the Acknowledgements prior to starting the book?

I’ve read the first couple books in Jeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress series, and one of the Night Prince spinoffs. They were fun! Quick reads, engaging, well-written, and I loved the expansive world-building. So when I discovered she’d actually started a new series, I thought I’d hit the jackpot.

Couldn’t have been more wrong.

Which leads me back to my new screening process.

Before anyone else, I have to thank God….

Translation: READER BEWARE!!! You are about to be subjected to a religious morality tale – wearing a PNR suit – that has all the subtlety of that Old Testament coloring book your homophobic grandmother got you for your 8th birthday.

If the blurb enticed you because you wanted to read an engrossing story about a woman who was cruelly forced to believe she was insane for years discovering that all the things she saw/experienced were real then MOVE THE FUCK ON. You aren’t getting that here. Pick up a copy of  Precinct 13 by Tate Hallaway.

What was that? You wanted to read about a pair of devoted siblings who will stop at nothing to protect one another in a deadly world? Don’t worry! You’ll get three amazing sibling-powered adventures in the Newsflesh trilogy by Mira Grant. Here? Not so much.

If you are only here because you missed Cat & Bones & Vlad & Co. ….well I hate to disappoint, but as the man said, these are not the droids you’re looking for… Just re-read Halfway to the Grave. 

The Beautiful Ashes opens with a TSTL protagonist that, by all rights, should be dead a dozen times before you even hit Chapter Three. She has the emotional range of a lizard and all the intelligence of a hamster. Oh, my entire family died/disappeared at this exact location. I’ll just to wander around aimlessly to see if I can stumble on a clue. Oh, a bunch of people just tried to kill me, I’ll head back to my hotel now and chat up this hot dude that broke in. Oh, I’m being kidnapped. I should cooperate. What could go wrong? This couldn’t have anything to do with my parents’ recent deaths. Or my sister’s disappearance. Or those people who just tried to kill me. 

Apparently Stockholm Sydrome is still the perfect way to get some, as Dumber Than Rocks (aka The Virgin) instantly starts falling for her kidnapper/guy-that-warned-her-not-to-trust-him.

Do you know why she shouldn’t trust him? Because he is a BETRAYER. He BETRAYS. It is in his DNA. Ever since Jesus walked the earth his family has BETRAYED. (Hmmm, I wonder who he might be descended from?)

After being kidnapped by The Betrayer, Dumber Than Rocks (aka The Virgin) meets some angels and demons and learns she’s The Last Scion a descendant of King David and is now on a quest to find his Holy Slingshot so the Power of Faith can bring down Giant Evil.

Are you bored already? You should be. It’s a predictable plod through your standard bible story, with a brief stop to praise Dumber Than Rock’s virginity.

I’m guessing she’ll finally give it up to The Betrayer in the last book in this truly horrific series, at which point it will be SO MUCH WORSE when he gives the appearance of Betraying her, before coming back at this last minute to save the day and prove that her holy virgin vagina excised all that Betrayal in his DNA.

Escape Rating: F for FLEE! Save yourselves! I can never get those hours of my life back, but there is still hope for all of you!